Mutate

Once, a friend told me about the restart button in life… and I think I’m about to push mine down soon, completely.

Somehow in life, at one stage or another, you undergo this stale, stagnant experience… and you either tell yourself ‘that’s it, that’s just life,’ or you give it a total facelift.

Well… for that, I had experience quite a handful, which is the reason why I am today right now. Looking back, even only for couple of years, it really isn’t surprising that you might not even be able to recognize me. I changed so frequently, so much, that I just wonder who I am already sometimes.

But now no, this antsy girl still lives within me. The withdrawal symptoms from the constant change are slowly creeping into me. I sat down in a quiet space and try to reach out to the inner me… but it because too far-fetched. I haven’t even realized the distance had grown so far.

I was that girl who hid every single smile, who was ashamed to speak in English, who couldn’t even make out what happens next after high school. That girl who used to silently pray and wish that limelight would never hit her, and avoid every single chance to speak. Think of a friend of yours
whom you never understand why they never speak, and that would be me.

And about who I am now? The total opposite.

From the fluency of English, you could never tell I came from a family who barely speaks it. And that being said, I never spoke well of myself, even that would be the fact I believe in. Not for the sake of being humble though, but believing yourself able to live up to a certain standard probably brings you a harder fall when either the facts of truth hit you, or you deteriorate. You may say it’s signs of insecurities, but to me, it’s just me.

Yesterday I took a stroll home after running some errands. I stared into the sky, and felt a swarm of nostalgia. I thought change was good, but subconsciously I defaced myself. I mourned for my loss, which in irony it’s a gain according to many. Which I was totally submerged into my thoughts during the walk, my feet brought me in front of the crossroad. I then realized I had to choose between someone the society loves, or myself.